Waiting for the dam to break

He walked out, without being kicked out.

I tried not to bitch, tried not to let my irritation show, but it did.
I wanted to get over it. He kept asking. I let it out. I should have kept it in and not acted like a spoiled brat.

I tried to focus on what was happening but I kept escaping into reruns on TV.
I watched him pack his stuff.

"Are you just taking sometime to think?"

"there is no time anymore"

He said I love you and walked out.

He walked out and I didn't fall apart.

One to grow on

  “With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.” – Dr. Wayne W Dyer

I have grown from the situation I'm in but I still have pity parties...

I have to allow myself to cry, and to question what the fuck I'm doing.

There was a time in my life I would have ran away from this and not looked back.  If my best friend didn't like who I was with I wouldn't have been with them any more.

Is staying the best thing to do?

Am I helping or hurting everyone involved?

How long til happy hits?

Watching a sex and the city marathon, takes me back to my first unhappy marriage, divorce and my desperate search for happiness. 

I thought back then (and still sometimes now) that I would only be happy if I was in a relationship with someone.

I spent so much of my time and energy trying to find a man that would accept me and my disability, instead of bettering myself, building my self-esteem, finding what I was good at and what made me happy. Truly happy.

Now that I'm older, (much older than I'd like) I now know that desperately seeking out my other half is not the way to go. I need to make myself a whole instead of looking for someone to make me feel that way.

Now that I have my own space it's time to try new things, make time to write, work on my cooking skills, maybe bake more, find myself a new look.

All of this looks good typed out on my screen, time to test my follow through...

Time to put my big girl pants on

Everything seemed too overwhelming today. Opening my eyes to turn off my alarm took all the energy I had.
The thought of getting ready for work brought me to tears.
The though of going to work and facing what I missed tomorrow is giving me a panic attack.

It's time to stop giving into the fear, and live my life! Tomorrow won't be perfect, but it wont be as bad as I imagine in my head.

I have a job, my own apartment, a dog and a cat that I love more than life itself, amazing family and friends.
The pity party has been canceled

Hide the hurt

Almost six moths after my house was raided and my husband was arrested, I'm still in disbelief.  How could the person I've spent the last 9 years of my life do this?

How could he knowingly do things that he knew would devastate me over and over? Not to mention the others he has hurt, that he never thought about.

Computer addiction, sexual issues caused by his disability, adrenaline junkie...
These are some of the answers I have been given.
They all may be true, but none of them take the pain away or the humiliation or the rage.

I sit here alone in my new apartment feeling painfully alone. I'm stuck with all of these feelings.

Where's my Orlando?

Every since I saw Tyler Perry's Diary of a Mad Black Woman, I've always wanted an Orlando for my very own...even before the shit storm hit my life I always wanted a man like him.

Now that the shit storm hit my life, I identify with that movie more than ever.

The betrayal, humiliation, and rage she felt.
After karma kicked his ass she was there for him and nursed him back to health (after she beat the hell outta him)
She stayed until she knew he would be ok and then she went after her happiness.

Is that what I'm doing? Will it turn out the same for me? Will I find my Orlando?

I need to heal myself before I find him. I need to be ok with me. It's just painful to see happy relationships all around me, and I'm ashamed I feel that way but it's the truth that I am jealous of other's happiness right now.

I have a long road of being the third wheel ahead of me.