Finding my way through the tunnel

I've been working on making a better me. It may take awhile but it will happen.

I want to stop the wounded puppy feelings I get when it appears that I don't matter to people like they matter to me.
Everyone is at a different stage in their lives. Some are going through good seasons and some are trying to get through the bad.

When you're going through a bad season you might become focused on the pain and finding a way out. It's only natural to want the pain to stop and to search for that light at the end of the tunnel.  Sometimes I find myself hiding in the tunnel, hoping nobody sees me but at the same time hoping someone will come rescue me.

The hard truth is no one can bring me to the end of this tunnel but me. Friends can walk beside me and help me try and find the light or pick me up when I fall but they also have their own tunnel to get through.

In my life I have wandered through other peoples tunnels and been there when they've found their light. I felt happiness for them. They started following me through my tunnel and held me up through some very scary parts but when I chose to take a path through the tunnel they thought was going in the wrong direction they left me in the darkness.

Sometimes I'll still hear a few words from them but the friendship is gone and I am swallowed up by the hurt and pain in this tunnel.
"Am I a bad person? Is that why they left me here"? echos through the tunnel.
"You don't go out of your way for them like you used to."
"The pain has changed you"
"You're not the friend you used to be. you're a self absorbed bitch"

It's time for me to stop believing the lies of the tunnel. I need to keep moving forward and make my way out so I can be a better stronger me to support others through their tunnels.

If you have a pulse you have a purpose

Destiny. Calling. Mission. Purpose. Meaning.

What ever you call it, I've spent a lot of time trying to figure mine out.

Was I born to give my parents hope after losing their son?

Is my purpose to tell my story of a suicide attempt at age 12 to give another person hope that is feeling so much pain they can't go on?

Am I the person that was ment to stand by her husband through a horrible mistake that the world won't understand, to show love that others can't?

Am I ment to fight through depression, anxiety and self loathing to show love?

So many days I feel ordinary and boring, but I'm not. None of us are.  We all have our mission. No matter how ordinary it may seem to us, it's not.

Some are called to be mothers, fathers, sisters or brothers.
If you think that's boring talk to someone who can't conceive a child or someone who's an only child or has no family.

You are amazing. You are the only you ever. Do your thing. Don't be so hard on yourself. Nobody else can do what you do, no matter if they think can do a better job...they can't

Dinner should not look back at you

I had a craving for Thai food and a coupon for a free on demand movie rental, so I figured we'd have a date night.
I went to grub hub and found a Thai food place that delivered, it was a little expensive but we needed a date night so I figured I'd splurge.
Looking at the menu I see shrimp rolls the description read "Deep fried shrimp wrapped with rangoon wrapper."
Sounded pretty yummy to me so I added it to my order. A few minutes later grubhub called to tell me they were out of the sticky mango rice I had ordered and asked if I wanted to replace it with anything and for a split second I thought about adding another order of the shrimp rolls but decided on a refund instead.
When the order arrived I was in the other room. As I walked to the kitchen to get a soda husband was setting out the food.

"I'm gonna laugh when you see the shrimp you ordered"

"why? Is it gross looking"? I asked

"No, not gross" he responded with a little laugh

For some reason I didn't pay much attention and dug into my Phad See Ew Noodles, ignoring the greasy paper bag next to me.

A few minutes later I open the paper bag and almost stick my hand in, but happened to look first and see 6 pairs of eyes looking back at me. One of the feeler thingies touched my hand before I could yank it back in horror.
For a second I thought they were still alive and going to come at me seeking revenge for ordering them deep fried.

I cried a little.

The shrimp roll description was a fucking lie! It should have read  "Entire fucking shrimp curled up in a Rangoon wrapper blanket"

Hours later I can still see the image of their beady little eyes peaking out from the bag.

So fuckin special

I'm an only child. My whole life I've been the favorite by default.  Which is both a blessing and a curse. To my parents I'm flippin awesome, a frickin princess but outside of my parent's world I'm barley noticeable. If I am noticed it's because I've done something wrong or farted.

That statement may come across like I'm feeling sorry for myself but I'm not...really.
I would love to be someone's favorite, be important, be significant and missed when I'm not around but I also realize my expectations are too high

It can be quite challenging to be my friend because I take compliments about as well as I take criticism and I assure you that doesn't go over well with my fragile ego. I can take the most constructive criticism and see it as a personal attack.
If you compliment me I'll probably argue with you or my face will turn red.  It doesn't turn slightly pink I turn all shades of red all the way to purple when I'm uncomfortable and it happens at the dumbest times.

I love attention but hate being the center of attention. I hate surprises, especially if multiple people are involved because I feel plotted against and stupid...and my face turns red.

So I'm not totally trashing myself, one of my good points is I like to treat the people that are important to me like they're my favorite, because they are. Everyone has something about them that makes them my "favorite"

Life without facebook day 1

I'm a hater.
It was hard to see all of the happy families and read about their shiney happy lives, when I feel like I have very few people who are "for" me and the choice I've made.
So I deleted my facebook account.
I've kind of closed myself off from the world since I made up my mind to stay in my marriage.

I've always had social anxiety, so it's always been a struggle for me but the shit storm of 2014 makes me dread opening my eyes in the morning.
I know people aren't thinking about it anymore and I should relax and enjoy my life, but in my mind it's like I'm wearing a sign "Married to a Sex Offender...feel free to pass judgement"

Another reason I delete facebook was embarrassment to change my relationship status back to married and change my name back... it's not like you can do it discreetly either facebook loves to send me a notice every time one of my friends changes their relationship status.

I need to stop caring and just live my life but I can't turn off the noise in my head.

questions

Who am I? A good wife or a bitter bitch?

I want to be forgiving and be strong and be helpful and encouraging until he criticizes something I'm doing or something about me.

Why is it so hard for me to be around people? Am I ever gonna get past what people think?

I've been self conscious since grade school. I've always viewed people as better than me.
I get so uncomfortable around people it's almost physically painful.
I relive the most insignificant moments over and over in my head thinking that I did something wrong or something to make someone mad.


WTF do I think?
I think I'm angry at life. I'm angry that I have to live a life I didn't ask for. I see my existence as pointless or more of an inconvenience to others than anything. I feel like I'm constantly letting people down.

When will I choose to be happy?

Blessings

It took me a few days to finish this post, as I've had relapses of crazy and self pity

God has blessed me with so many things. Lately I've been focusing on what's wrong with my life and not what's right.  I've been so afraid of being a disappointment to those I care about that I've been making myself and those around me miserable.

As I'm writing this I'm full of fear and stress about life but  I'm determined to be thankful for what I have regardless.

I have a great place to live, with lots of nice neighbors that help me out when I need it.  Just the other day I was walking to the gas station to get a money order to pay my rent and one of my neighbors drove by and asked if I needed a ride.  At first I said no because I didn't want to bother her, but I ended up taking her up on the offer.
When I got to the gas station the guy informed me they were out of paper for the money order machine and I would have to go to a different location that was more than walking distance.
Thank you Lord for putting her in my path to help me pay my rent.

Another neighbor has a boxer like my Ozzy boy that comes over to play with him everyday and let's him out for me when I'm at work.
Before no other dogs would play with him because he was too big and bouncy. Now he has lots of people and a few dogs that go out of their way to come play with him.
Thank you Lord for putting me somewhere Ozzy can have a happy life.

I have enough food to eat.
Thank you Lord for blessing me with a job despite all of my complaining.

I have  amazing family and friends that love me and are there for me no matter what.
Thank you Lord for showing me what unconditional love is

Despite all of my fears I am a functional person living independently (for the most part) living with a disability.
Thank you Lord for not letting me give up when I'm in the darkness of depression and self hate.

Most of all Thank you Lord for loving me especially when I can't love myself